feed me to the birds... twist tell im a knot that cant be undone.

dont worry i wont let you get lost. ill never lose you. Ill leave you a path so you can find me. Ill fake tan and lay out in the sun for days tell im dry and my skin falls off with each step. ill walk the path to my home and ill dance that path. Leaving behind a trail of me. Ill be like a dandylion, make a wish. It better be about me. Ill do this naked for you. all the way to my place. Ill wait for you there.

Ill move about. waiting for you. I should know better then to wait for you. But ill wait and move tell i have no skin left and mu muscles and vains will touch the air. Ill become sticky with blood, yet ill keep moving and twisting tell my arms stick to my legs and my back and thighs. ill twist and bend tell im all tied up. Ill get so twisted that no one will be able to undo me. I wont stop. ill move further into the knot. This is how you will find me, that is if you ever show.

This is how you will find me. all tied up for you.

Skin me alive

how wonderful would it be if the world loved me so much that my teeth where like pearls and every one wanted to own one. and my skin if it could clear up and become a map of every ones hopes and the world woud skin me and dry it. Make me into a lamp. with a red light.... i want all the whores to use me... make your insides look fresh. Take my hair and make fine wigs out ot it...
my bones dry them out and grind them up and you will fine im the best fondation you have ever seen.
I want my body cut and pulled and dryed... i want to be made into bags and soups and rings.
Please use me... and if this wont work then fuck me.... please please please fuck me. hit me piss on me any thing to make me feel wanted

it all makes me so sick!

Im going to take dog crap and rub it all over the doors of your work. Then every time i walk by ill spit my gum out. and ill take crap about you to your boyfreinds friends. Im going to be that kid who wants to hurt you who wants to make you the pain that i felt. I want to make you cry as you walk in center city.

I cant the only way for me to do that is for you to love your new boyfriend. madly love him. hate your self for any thing bad that you did. And want to hold on to him, even as your friends tell you to drop him. I want you think that he wants things to work. and then he needs to hurt you.

you may not believe me when i say this, but if that happend to you it would hurt me too. Caue you hurt case you your in love with him not cause you love me.

There is nothing i can do to hurt you like you hurt me.

I believed you and now i find myself in a strange place. im looking good and i feel good but im lost. alone and scare to love again. scared to be hurt. and it makes me sick to be this that guy. that sad sad man with a cold heart. i feel raw.

Hello i have become a hore... i always was.

I want you to know that i before you i had felt pain. In that way you were not the first.

from up above every thing looks sick

I saw two flys fucking today. They were so fat, and i could see the black hairs on the females body standing up like spines. that little male didn't care he grbbed that female and fucking rapped her. In the wild wild world of bugs cats and dogs. lions tigers and bears. sex isn't a joy.

then agin every sex isnt always a walk in the park. every time in the back of my mind is fear that i may get hurt, or get some fucked up std. I have yet to get an std. But every time i get a cold im srue that its HIV And yet i go out of my way to not get tested. Some timed not knowing is the best game plain.

Its nuts how much we think about sex. How much money we spend for it and the things and people that we fuck. I have gotten so use to letting people that i dont know fuck me that im ok with asking things like "are you going to be done soon, cause i have things i need to do" or "ok now what about me?"

I want to to fly up next time im getting fucked. i want to leave my body and look down at my self from above. see my lips as they wisper "i just want him to be over"

to the back of the line,

in 1996 on the frist day of school a school bus flipped over on the high way. many kids died and three would never walk again.











i have not thought about that day in years and i forgot about my friend who i dated for a week, his brother was one of the kids who was on that bus. his brother was one of the kids who never got to walk again. His brother died 6 years later.











In 2001 a kid in my school went to the train track and layed down with his legs up. he died that way, two days later a girl tied a rope to her neck and hung her self up to dry in her house. She died that way. The next week a boy blew his head off. and for the first time every one i knew started to see death as a answer.





Doing lines of pills and feelilng numb started to be the best way to live. With drinks they do wonders. Also pills are nice when you enjoy to cut names into your arm. And Wiskey helps with the burn.



in 2002 a friend of mine feel down and i was there she layed in a pool of her own blood with her dress up to her waist.

ways to hurt

In my underwear. im in my bed trying to forget all of the sounds outside my window. I the sweat and piss is starting to make my eyes burn.

I have found my self once again in the same place i was last year. fuck. Im overcome by the want to give up and let go. crap my pants and lay in it.

I cant help but think that i hope that you and every one you love gets fucked over. I hope that you can understand that you gave me the power cause Im at my best when i can hate my self. wach me rock at this.

im going to layin bed and think about what could have been and how great it was and how fucked up every thing is now. Im going to stay up all nigh tell 7am doing coke with friends and think about how much it would kill you to see me this fucked up. Im going to black out at gay bars and not care how i got home.

I think i care more that im sad and lost laying in my dirty underwear. I wish I could say that you would care that im sad today or that i can't stop drinking. I wish i could hurt you and make you cry. I wish you could feel what i feel inside.

Truth is i do know how to hurt you. i know just what to say. but i can't. I can't cause it would hurt me to much to let you know the truth.

its not fair

i saw a photo of the two of you together, the other night after a few to many drinks. he looks yonger then i thought that he would look. you looked happy. Fuck. The two of you sitting out side your place, and im sure that your cat was eating grass.

that was me once. looking at my Mr. in love.

you had reasons to leave me, reasons that you didn't know. I'll never tell.

ill share this with you, a thought that i had. I was looking at this guy, an older guy. you know me. he had a cock like the works that you never see. think and long. nice nuts. and eyes like glass. he came and i did what all boys do i drank it up. I don't know this man, and as he stands up he looks at me with those eyes, and he tells me that ill soon have a boyfriend.

this hits me and as i walk home i want to die. and then the rain comes. like out of a movie it comes back to me.

in the days before i sucked cock or had three ways i was a young boy walking home in the rain from work. i was in love and he didn't love me and i wanted to die. then rain was falling hard and in my anger i let myself cry.

It was then that i looked down. the grown and side walk was moving with hundres of earth worms.

thats the only reason ill tell you that you had to leave me.

death of the cheese crisp.

as a child i was given a gift. a tortilla baked with cheese. cut up like a pizza and eaten as is. some will eat this wonderful dish with hot sauce or salsa. others, kids dont like to fuck it up. What better thing for you then a tortilla with cheese, and this dish didn't have any tomatos or hot things or any thing green. It was the best.

I was talking to friends the other day and i found out that this dish is only made in the south west. I cant get this dish here in Philadelphia. I don't know what to do.

So much in the east is new to me.

The way people act what they eat and how they dress.

i found out that young gay men don't think that they should walk each other home or open the door for each other. they see this as some this for a man to do for a woman. not some thing that you do to should some one that you care. that you want to get to know each other.

How can it be that young gay men cant see that this has nothing to do with what a man does for a woman, fuck that the way to think that its what you do for some one you love and care about.

I want some one that i want to walk home to make sure they are safe. And i have a right to a man that gets the door for me.

and I want my cheese crisp back.

flowers and candy

i had this idea when i was 13teen. i would find a love and we kiss under the apple tree, its flowers looking down on us. I would the kind of love that would make you cry. We would lay in bed and never want to get out.

I didnt get that kind of love.

I have not been kissed unders a flower tree, or layed in bed for days.

I dont know what i found, but i did cry.

one day ill live my dream, and ill let go of some of this hate.

I hate you for what you did, and i hate him.

I was sad and had my dreams of love and you fucked that up! Now i know the truth and i understand that love, gay love can never be sweet not with poop on your dick.

I hope that some one takes your dreams away, puts them into a bag and runs away in the night. I want you to under stand what it is that i lost.

I was 19teen and fucked up and would cut names into my arm, did you know that? Did you know that I tryed to kill my self? Did you know that i would take rocks and hit myself with them. I could have died, i was the one who made up my mind to get better. i was the one who stopped cutting my self. That was me.

Im going to be the one that will have to kiss myself under that fucking tree.

a room with a view

jim, i think thats his name, looks down at me. he keepes telling me how nice it is that im so calm. I'm not going to tell jim, or is it tim? What ever, let say Jim, i just wont say his name to him. I'm not going to tell him that this isn't my first time fucking a guy that i didn't know. I am calm, i use to be scared when i would me up with a guy i didn't know or care about or like in any way. But her i am nude in a high rise in center city. god what a view, i could let this guy fuck me just for the view. Oh i forgot that center city could be so pretty looking. God what i would give to live in this apartmet with a guy that i wanted to fuck me, with a man with a dick that could get hard, and and a man who would never want me clothed. I want a man to see me as a man, not a "dirty little bottom boy, you like that cock in your ass don't you"... you know what tim, jim, kim, what ever. im not hard cause of your 43 year old cock. Im rock hard cause im looking out your window and the city looks so alive!

i'll stay in his bed after he fucks me, not the best but not bad. God i wish that i liked him, i wish that i loved him. that i wanted to kiss him and feel his body. I don't even want to look at him. I keep doing this. I don't care for any of the guys i let fuck me. Wait thats not true. i loved frank. and i liked... thats it, wow look at me go. Fucking my way to the top. Sex and love what good are they? I had a man who loved me but the sex got to safe, sex should never be calm. it should be scary and fucked up. you should feel like you were uesed for your looks. You don't want to feel loved, you want to feel like your dirty and a hoe.

i want to feel clean. and want the light of a high rise on my skin.

red sky

Once when i was a kid. the sky became painted with blood. never before have i seen the sky so bright. I was sure that the end of the world had come... god was going was wash earth with fire and blood. I was 11 and i was going to die from gods hand. Not fair i had yet to even have sex yet.

years after that i would have dreams that the end of the world had come and being gay I had to tell my mother that the blood wasnt going to save me. That her son was going to die just like the rest of them. The dreams of a 12 year old gay boy.

I have never seen a sky like that or been touched in any way by god. and i have told my mother i was gay. I have fallen in love and now i understand, every thing comes to a end.

Cats and dogs

My cat died on me a few years back. I was in a broom closet at work waiting tabels with my then boyfriend on the phone. He didn't want to tell me. he wanted to keep it to himself and tell me face to face. I should have done as he asked. It would have been the only time that he whoud have looked me in the face and told me some thing that he knew would hurt me. I made him tell me that he had gone to my place to see how she was doing like i asked and that she was so sick. and that she didn't make it to the vet. I cryed with the old mops and flikering light over head I cryed alone.

Now by that time he had told me that he loved me and that he didn't care if I said it back. Good thing cause i didn't want to say it back. He was my first and he was so much older then me if I was going to say that i loved him I was going to mean it.

People always find ways to make themselfs feel needed. "you god dame right I have a boyfriend"

Fuck it I didn't even want to call him my boyfriend. I was a free bird. I was young and hot. take that!

Truth is I had been sleeping awrond, and i was starting to see myself as a nothing. And here was a man who wanted me. But did I want him. I didn't see him as hot, but he had a carm.

As the weeks went on I found that I sarted to see that he was cute, with a great ass and he was so sweet.

I told him that i loved him the night that my cat died. I went home alone that night.

Dr.Joylove

a small pace on my hip, this small mound of flesh. Has gone unlooked at for years. Dr. Joylove told me that most people get touched daly. Most people are loved by gods one time or another. A kind of man to make you feel lost. like the way you do when you go to see a move at 3pm and get out at 7om and its dark, where did your life go? Dr. Joylove tells me that my hip has never been kissed, he takes a white glove to show me that dust. How has this happend I think. But how can it be that of all the men to touch me none have touched me. How was it that they left nothing behind, i left a part of me behind with each one. like whats his name i thought that he liked me a little, he never called back but we had fun.


after more tests Dr. Joylove informs me that its true im dry. He tells me that my hips are cold and may never warm up to anothers touch. Your hills will become hit by wind stome and will blow away. you will waste and become lost and alone. He looks me in the face and says "son do you have a cat?" My face here goes white. That is all he need to know. I'm sorry there is nothing you can go. Go home to your cat.

a gift

I have always gotten my mother and father to give me what I wanted. I have found that I can do the same with friends. I learned to get people to like me and want to be my friend I found that I had a kind of charm over people and a pull over people. I found also that I had the gift to use these people to hurt others. Nothing is as painful as a 14teen year old gay boy with a taste for power. Love me. I find that this power works better when I am thin, people like thin people. 

wish I could say that I always was in charge of my cool. But I also found that I'm a black out drunk hoe. I have been fucked by so many men that I would never even talk to let alone suck there cock, yet I have been on all fours so many times. Being used also gives me some power I find that with these guys I can be mean and fucking cunt. with then I dont have to play the game and pull the cards with these sad fuck up men I can tell them that they are fat and that there cock is small. most times its true they are fat with cocks that look like tranny cock. They have no taste and are sad. they think that they are some thing great and wonderful to us young gays. And in shape or form could they get a young guy who wasnt on a power trip or sad or lonly or like me sober. 

let me try this year to give myself a new gift. Let me fuck sober, let me learn to not lead but sit on the side. pass on my power to a 13 teen year old gay boy its time to become a man and start to love... ok lets be real about this i'll try to only fuck guys that I like and think are cute and that I know.

the skin

after a all night dance and having done way to much blow my mind goes back to the days before all night partys and dancing wanting some one to take you home. I don't understand how taking boys home can be so easy for some and me im left with hookers. With my nose running and no coat i walk home at 5am. only hookers and fuck ups walk home at this time. Im not a hooker. How is it that I had friends when I went to the party and then I was alone. why did I do blow. I don't like felling like eating my face off. I don't enjoy it. 

I want I want I want so many pretty things.

my little heart and other reasons I wish I could rip it out of my fucking body!

I have been thinking alot the past few hours about the pondarosa trees and dry air. I have been thinking of old photos and flat beers. Philly is cold these days and my bed and sleep hold nothing for me any more. I don't get to sleep. I don't get to hang or chill or get stoned out om mind and eat tacos.

I dont understand why I feel such hate for some people. People who have done nothing wrong to me. Sweet people. And why I still love people that don't care about me, the heart wants what the heart can't have.

Did you know that I stayed in that place. I stayed there for three days. I was so fucked up then. Why would a kid like me. A happy kid, why would some one like me eat all those pills. Why did I. Me. Why did I use to cut my self, writing your name in my arm. So many names under the skin on this arm.

I have been looking at my self and my past. I have not dont that much good in my life and I have keep up that goal of fucking up every thing good.

Life is better with a little pain.

I could see myself laying in that chair. My arms wraped up, the pills still in my blood and that burnt oarnge sweater wraped arownd me. No sleep like that of a O.D.

When said I would say that one week was all I asked for. One week of being dead. Gone for one week.

Now days im happy, some times are hard but unlike some who push all love away I don't let my self run away to far. I know who I love and that will not run dry. The heart wants what the heart cant fucking have. Grow up heart he will never take you back!!!

I have been reading inbetween the lines and im doing my best to believe the lies I tell my self. The heart wants and the heart will always find a way.

about last night.

I have. like I all ways do. been drinking a little to much.
Needen to pee and other thing I stop tp look at your page. Right now I am beyound hung up on you. and for this I give in. I feel some thing... you know that feeling is a great gift.

My mother was lost to me and I felt notthing I knew nothing. I wished that I could care and feel hurt or anger or sad any thing. not this lost numb that I feel with suger and sex.

names sould be placed here all of the ones that I loved. My writing is shit for one reason. I cant get you put of my head. I write more when I'm sad. But happy oh joy. When I am happy that is when I write the real McCoy!!!

Not that you or any one reads this I know that my dream of lights and and me young and sexy in your eyes and the worlds view is a god dame fucking lose of a shit pip dream. so please read this let me know that read this. my words have some how gone inside of your sweet little ears and you need them you want then you love them.

what the nose gave me.

I have been up for hours. To much blow I think. Is it wrong that at the age of 23 I still find it cool to put things in my nose? Right now I'll lay in my bed, with my big red pillows and think about you. both of you. How is it that the two men in my life have left me.

You walked into my life and walked out.

I was 17 teen and in love with you.

Stop.

I was 16 teen and had come home to smell burt paper. It wasn't me for the first time. It was my mother. I lost her that day. I looked into her face and I didn't know her. Fucking brain slugs!!! Lavender blue dilly dilly lavender green dilly dilly if I were king i'd need a queen.

I did LSD at 21, with my 22 year old brother. My left side went numb. My face was monsters... I saw a side of my self that I think that I have grown to understand.

When you pull down that wall and let people you don't like fuck you, you start to lose all love for your self.

I'm a bad person fact.
I have no love fact.
You can do better then me fact.
I was 12 playing with black widows fact.

what a rush

i need to sleep. lay down my little head. i need to go to bed. Sleep.
I don't know why I seem to be loving you all over again, I miss you and want you to hold me. Its been so long. Come back. Take me back. You don't have to love me or fuck me. hell i'll give it a go i'll fuck you. What ever you want me to do.
Just hold me. take my hand under the table do no one will see you holding my hand. Be sweet to me again.
I want to drink gen and tonic and eat so much tomato pie that I want to die! kill me with yoour bad jokes and I swear that I will never smell bad again. ever. Any thing you want just lay down with me. You dont even have to touch me ley next to me.

my lover I don't even like

Three months after my frist boyfriend let me go I had sex with a man who loved my body. Be kissed my thighs and legs. My belly and chest. every were his hands could go they did. and I let him. I let him worship me and love me and make me feel like for once I was wonderful.
I know that's not the way things are and I know that I will never see him again. I gave him the wrong phone number. I can't help but wish that frank will take me back. I want him to love me. I hate the rob can stay in that house.
I hate that I didn't want to tell frank that i loved him I didn't want to call him my boyfriend. He told me he loved me. he called me his boyfriend and he told me he wanted to end things. I hate that I feel in love with him. I miss him.