my lover I don't even like

Three months after my frist boyfriend let me go I had sex with a man who loved my body. Be kissed my thighs and legs. My belly and chest. every were his hands could go they did. and I let him. I let him worship me and love me and make me feel like for once I was wonderful.
I know that's not the way things are and I know that I will never see him again. I gave him the wrong phone number. I can't help but wish that frank will take me back. I want him to love me. I hate the rob can stay in that house.
I hate that I didn't want to tell frank that i loved him I didn't want to call him my boyfriend. He told me he loved me. he called me his boyfriend and he told me he wanted to end things. I hate that I feel in love with him. I miss him.

bell of the porn shop

I have found a place I can go to feel wanted and needed. My lovers are old and lost men who need me to feel whole again. After all what other 23 year old will suck 60 year old cock. I have no pride. no respect for myself.

Look mama I'm sucking dick like a big boy.

What have I done to my self. I have put so muck dick in my face and swollowed so much cum that I no longer can look at myself.

The first time I had sex I talk to Torsten and he told me that because I didn't cum I was still a virgin. That made me mad. I wouldn't have gotten so drunk that I could let a fat kid fuck me if I know that I had to cum to no longer be a virgin.

I'm going to do my best to close down my mind and fuck my way to an understanding that I'm pretty.

lover letter a little too late.

I forgot what it was like to love some one who wont love you back. I for got that sometimes you just cant change things and that even if you dont want to you have to let some one walk away. I was at the bar waching drag queens and boys that I would rather kick in the face before I let them fuck me. But some how I'll let some 38 year old fuck me cause I want to feel him next to me again. They don't love me. My light beer don't love me and I don't want to be giving my money to old drag queens and letting these fucking gay boys size me up. No I will stay at this bar with my face hard and cold. I will try to not let the chep beer go to my head and get sad. I want to strip you from my mind, I want you back. I want to kill. I need blood.

I will run for an hour at the gym and work out four times a week and soon you will understand that you could have asked any thing from me and I would have given it to you, I just want you back again. Use me, waste me. Put me away in and forget about me. but stay close to me. Let me sleep in your bed and grow to hate you. them you can walk away from me.

If you love something let it go?

I don't know how to do this the right way. I still don't understand how you could so easly walk away from me and just move on. Having thouhgt that you did still love me I dont understand why you would one day be all like oh thats right I hate having a boyfriend. Fuck you!!! I hate that you hurt me, and I hate that I let you hurt me. I was find before you walked into my life.

are you there god its me David?

god I ask you one thing and one thing only do you think I'm sexy?

space

in the small space of my left ear cannal lives a little man who tells me just how and when to do the wrong and right thing. It is my life goal to have him help me become a god powerful and cold. Every one would look at me and want to fuck me and touch me and be loved by me, need me. But that little god of a man is slow at his work and I am still just a boy.

first

You know the first time for me, I was in the first grade. I will never let him go. It wasn't love no it was friend ship misunderstood, friendship that had no thought other then the wanting of being deep and lovly. Two school boys trying to find understanding in a world that would not stop moving.

I don't think that love between two school kids, is heathy, but I'm not ashamed of mine. I did nothing that I didn't want to do. 

 We all want and need to feel love and To feel safe. I was wrong, we were wrong in how we went about finding that happy place. 

 Now older, of age and of understanding, I still look for that find of friendship and love that will be deep and safe. Its hard though when most men want a young boy who can suck there big old cock and NEEDS to take that cock to crave some strange hunger that can never be filled. Starving for cock. 

I'm not starved for cock, and I don't need a cock in my face to feel human. I have other needs and hungers. 

  The hunger to be known and to feel pretty and loved. I want people to look at me and want to know me. I would like to become the best and I need to give my self over to some one, to let go and stop thinking about what can and should.

Truth is I have found some one to love and that I feel loves me. I think I am safe and can start to tare down some of my walls and try to find that understanding that I have never know. The thing is now I'm of age (a good thing yes) but with age comes new understanding and with that comes new misunderstandings. Such as want is love and how and why is fucking so close behind love. Why is sex so much like a god and being with some one is so wanted and needed. 

I don't understand why I need to be loved and why I do want to have sex. I don't get why... I don't understand