to the back of the line,

in 1996 on the frist day of school a school bus flipped over on the high way. many kids died and three would never walk again.











i have not thought about that day in years and i forgot about my friend who i dated for a week, his brother was one of the kids who was on that bus. his brother was one of the kids who never got to walk again. His brother died 6 years later.











In 2001 a kid in my school went to the train track and layed down with his legs up. he died that way, two days later a girl tied a rope to her neck and hung her self up to dry in her house. She died that way. The next week a boy blew his head off. and for the first time every one i knew started to see death as a answer.





Doing lines of pills and feelilng numb started to be the best way to live. With drinks they do wonders. Also pills are nice when you enjoy to cut names into your arm. And Wiskey helps with the burn.



in 2002 a friend of mine feel down and i was there she layed in a pool of her own blood with her dress up to her waist.

ways to hurt

In my underwear. im in my bed trying to forget all of the sounds outside my window. I the sweat and piss is starting to make my eyes burn.

I have found my self once again in the same place i was last year. fuck. Im overcome by the want to give up and let go. crap my pants and lay in it.

I cant help but think that i hope that you and every one you love gets fucked over. I hope that you can understand that you gave me the power cause Im at my best when i can hate my self. wach me rock at this.

im going to layin bed and think about what could have been and how great it was and how fucked up every thing is now. Im going to stay up all nigh tell 7am doing coke with friends and think about how much it would kill you to see me this fucked up. Im going to black out at gay bars and not care how i got home.

I think i care more that im sad and lost laying in my dirty underwear. I wish I could say that you would care that im sad today or that i can't stop drinking. I wish i could hurt you and make you cry. I wish you could feel what i feel inside.

Truth is i do know how to hurt you. i know just what to say. but i can't. I can't cause it would hurt me to much to let you know the truth.

its not fair

i saw a photo of the two of you together, the other night after a few to many drinks. he looks yonger then i thought that he would look. you looked happy. Fuck. The two of you sitting out side your place, and im sure that your cat was eating grass.

that was me once. looking at my Mr. in love.

you had reasons to leave me, reasons that you didn't know. I'll never tell.

ill share this with you, a thought that i had. I was looking at this guy, an older guy. you know me. he had a cock like the works that you never see. think and long. nice nuts. and eyes like glass. he came and i did what all boys do i drank it up. I don't know this man, and as he stands up he looks at me with those eyes, and he tells me that ill soon have a boyfriend.

this hits me and as i walk home i want to die. and then the rain comes. like out of a movie it comes back to me.

in the days before i sucked cock or had three ways i was a young boy walking home in the rain from work. i was in love and he didn't love me and i wanted to die. then rain was falling hard and in my anger i let myself cry.

It was then that i looked down. the grown and side walk was moving with hundres of earth worms.

thats the only reason ill tell you that you had to leave me.