a gift

I have always gotten my mother and father to give me what I wanted. I have found that I can do the same with friends. I learned to get people to like me and want to be my friend I found that I had a kind of charm over people and a pull over people. I found also that I had the gift to use these people to hurt others. Nothing is as painful as a 14teen year old gay boy with a taste for power. Love me. I find that this power works better when I am thin, people like thin people. 

wish I could say that I always was in charge of my cool. But I also found that I'm a black out drunk hoe. I have been fucked by so many men that I would never even talk to let alone suck there cock, yet I have been on all fours so many times. Being used also gives me some power I find that with these guys I can be mean and fucking cunt. with then I dont have to play the game and pull the cards with these sad fuck up men I can tell them that they are fat and that there cock is small. most times its true they are fat with cocks that look like tranny cock. They have no taste and are sad. they think that they are some thing great and wonderful to us young gays. And in shape or form could they get a young guy who wasnt on a power trip or sad or lonly or like me sober. 

let me try this year to give myself a new gift. Let me fuck sober, let me learn to not lead but sit on the side. pass on my power to a 13 teen year old gay boy its time to become a man and start to love... ok lets be real about this i'll try to only fuck guys that I like and think are cute and that I know.

the skin

after a all night dance and having done way to much blow my mind goes back to the days before all night partys and dancing wanting some one to take you home. I don't understand how taking boys home can be so easy for some and me im left with hookers. With my nose running and no coat i walk home at 5am. only hookers and fuck ups walk home at this time. Im not a hooker. How is it that I had friends when I went to the party and then I was alone. why did I do blow. I don't like felling like eating my face off. I don't enjoy it. 

I want I want I want so many pretty things.

my little heart and other reasons I wish I could rip it out of my fucking body!

I have been thinking alot the past few hours about the pondarosa trees and dry air. I have been thinking of old photos and flat beers. Philly is cold these days and my bed and sleep hold nothing for me any more. I don't get to sleep. I don't get to hang or chill or get stoned out om mind and eat tacos.

I dont understand why I feel such hate for some people. People who have done nothing wrong to me. Sweet people. And why I still love people that don't care about me, the heart wants what the heart can't have.

Did you know that I stayed in that place. I stayed there for three days. I was so fucked up then. Why would a kid like me. A happy kid, why would some one like me eat all those pills. Why did I. Me. Why did I use to cut my self, writing your name in my arm. So many names under the skin on this arm.

I have been looking at my self and my past. I have not dont that much good in my life and I have keep up that goal of fucking up every thing good.

Life is better with a little pain.

I could see myself laying in that chair. My arms wraped up, the pills still in my blood and that burnt oarnge sweater wraped arownd me. No sleep like that of a O.D.

When said I would say that one week was all I asked for. One week of being dead. Gone for one week.

Now days im happy, some times are hard but unlike some who push all love away I don't let my self run away to far. I know who I love and that will not run dry. The heart wants what the heart cant fucking have. Grow up heart he will never take you back!!!

I have been reading inbetween the lines and im doing my best to believe the lies I tell my self. The heart wants and the heart will always find a way.