death of the cheese crisp.

as a child i was given a gift. a tortilla baked with cheese. cut up like a pizza and eaten as is. some will eat this wonderful dish with hot sauce or salsa. others, kids dont like to fuck it up. What better thing for you then a tortilla with cheese, and this dish didn't have any tomatos or hot things or any thing green. It was the best.

I was talking to friends the other day and i found out that this dish is only made in the south west. I cant get this dish here in Philadelphia. I don't know what to do.

So much in the east is new to me.

The way people act what they eat and how they dress.

i found out that young gay men don't think that they should walk each other home or open the door for each other. they see this as some this for a man to do for a woman. not some thing that you do to should some one that you care. that you want to get to know each other.

How can it be that young gay men cant see that this has nothing to do with what a man does for a woman, fuck that the way to think that its what you do for some one you love and care about.

I want some one that i want to walk home to make sure they are safe. And i have a right to a man that gets the door for me.

and I want my cheese crisp back.

flowers and candy

i had this idea when i was 13teen. i would find a love and we kiss under the apple tree, its flowers looking down on us. I would the kind of love that would make you cry. We would lay in bed and never want to get out.

I didnt get that kind of love.

I have not been kissed unders a flower tree, or layed in bed for days.

I dont know what i found, but i did cry.

one day ill live my dream, and ill let go of some of this hate.

I hate you for what you did, and i hate him.

I was sad and had my dreams of love and you fucked that up! Now i know the truth and i understand that love, gay love can never be sweet not with poop on your dick.

I hope that some one takes your dreams away, puts them into a bag and runs away in the night. I want you to under stand what it is that i lost.

I was 19teen and fucked up and would cut names into my arm, did you know that? Did you know that I tryed to kill my self? Did you know that i would take rocks and hit myself with them. I could have died, i was the one who made up my mind to get better. i was the one who stopped cutting my self. That was me.

Im going to be the one that will have to kiss myself under that fucking tree.

a room with a view

jim, i think thats his name, looks down at me. he keepes telling me how nice it is that im so calm. I'm not going to tell jim, or is it tim? What ever, let say Jim, i just wont say his name to him. I'm not going to tell him that this isn't my first time fucking a guy that i didn't know. I am calm, i use to be scared when i would me up with a guy i didn't know or care about or like in any way. But her i am nude in a high rise in center city. god what a view, i could let this guy fuck me just for the view. Oh i forgot that center city could be so pretty looking. God what i would give to live in this apartmet with a guy that i wanted to fuck me, with a man with a dick that could get hard, and and a man who would never want me clothed. I want a man to see me as a man, not a "dirty little bottom boy, you like that cock in your ass don't you"... you know what tim, jim, kim, what ever. im not hard cause of your 43 year old cock. Im rock hard cause im looking out your window and the city looks so alive!

i'll stay in his bed after he fucks me, not the best but not bad. God i wish that i liked him, i wish that i loved him. that i wanted to kiss him and feel his body. I don't even want to look at him. I keep doing this. I don't care for any of the guys i let fuck me. Wait thats not true. i loved frank. and i liked... thats it, wow look at me go. Fucking my way to the top. Sex and love what good are they? I had a man who loved me but the sex got to safe, sex should never be calm. it should be scary and fucked up. you should feel like you were uesed for your looks. You don't want to feel loved, you want to feel like your dirty and a hoe.

i want to feel clean. and want the light of a high rise on my skin.

red sky

Once when i was a kid. the sky became painted with blood. never before have i seen the sky so bright. I was sure that the end of the world had come... god was going was wash earth with fire and blood. I was 11 and i was going to die from gods hand. Not fair i had yet to even have sex yet.

years after that i would have dreams that the end of the world had come and being gay I had to tell my mother that the blood wasnt going to save me. That her son was going to die just like the rest of them. The dreams of a 12 year old gay boy.

I have never seen a sky like that or been touched in any way by god. and i have told my mother i was gay. I have fallen in love and now i understand, every thing comes to a end.