a gift

I have always gotten my mother and father to give me what I wanted. I have found that I can do the same with friends. I learned to get people to like me and want to be my friend I found that I had a kind of charm over people and a pull over people. I found also that I had the gift to use these people to hurt others. Nothing is as painful as a 14teen year old gay boy with a taste for power. Love me. I find that this power works better when I am thin, people like thin people. 

wish I could say that I always was in charge of my cool. But I also found that I'm a black out drunk hoe. I have been fucked by so many men that I would never even talk to let alone suck there cock, yet I have been on all fours so many times. Being used also gives me some power I find that with these guys I can be mean and fucking cunt. with then I dont have to play the game and pull the cards with these sad fuck up men I can tell them that they are fat and that there cock is small. most times its true they are fat with cocks that look like tranny cock. They have no taste and are sad. they think that they are some thing great and wonderful to us young gays. And in shape or form could they get a young guy who wasnt on a power trip or sad or lonly or like me sober. 

let me try this year to give myself a new gift. Let me fuck sober, let me learn to not lead but sit on the side. pass on my power to a 13 teen year old gay boy its time to become a man and start to love... ok lets be real about this i'll try to only fuck guys that I like and think are cute and that I know.

the skin

after a all night dance and having done way to much blow my mind goes back to the days before all night partys and dancing wanting some one to take you home. I don't understand how taking boys home can be so easy for some and me im left with hookers. With my nose running and no coat i walk home at 5am. only hookers and fuck ups walk home at this time. Im not a hooker. How is it that I had friends when I went to the party and then I was alone. why did I do blow. I don't like felling like eating my face off. I don't enjoy it. 

I want I want I want so many pretty things.

my little heart and other reasons I wish I could rip it out of my fucking body!

I have been thinking alot the past few hours about the pondarosa trees and dry air. I have been thinking of old photos and flat beers. Philly is cold these days and my bed and sleep hold nothing for me any more. I don't get to sleep. I don't get to hang or chill or get stoned out om mind and eat tacos.

I dont understand why I feel such hate for some people. People who have done nothing wrong to me. Sweet people. And why I still love people that don't care about me, the heart wants what the heart can't have.

Did you know that I stayed in that place. I stayed there for three days. I was so fucked up then. Why would a kid like me. A happy kid, why would some one like me eat all those pills. Why did I. Me. Why did I use to cut my self, writing your name in my arm. So many names under the skin on this arm.

I have been looking at my self and my past. I have not dont that much good in my life and I have keep up that goal of fucking up every thing good.

Life is better with a little pain.

I could see myself laying in that chair. My arms wraped up, the pills still in my blood and that burnt oarnge sweater wraped arownd me. No sleep like that of a O.D.

When said I would say that one week was all I asked for. One week of being dead. Gone for one week.

Now days im happy, some times are hard but unlike some who push all love away I don't let my self run away to far. I know who I love and that will not run dry. The heart wants what the heart cant fucking have. Grow up heart he will never take you back!!!

I have been reading inbetween the lines and im doing my best to believe the lies I tell my self. The heart wants and the heart will always find a way.

about last night.

I have. like I all ways do. been drinking a little to much.
Needen to pee and other thing I stop tp look at your page. Right now I am beyound hung up on you. and for this I give in. I feel some thing... you know that feeling is a great gift.

My mother was lost to me and I felt notthing I knew nothing. I wished that I could care and feel hurt or anger or sad any thing. not this lost numb that I feel with suger and sex.

names sould be placed here all of the ones that I loved. My writing is shit for one reason. I cant get you put of my head. I write more when I'm sad. But happy oh joy. When I am happy that is when I write the real McCoy!!!

Not that you or any one reads this I know that my dream of lights and and me young and sexy in your eyes and the worlds view is a god dame fucking lose of a shit pip dream. so please read this let me know that read this. my words have some how gone inside of your sweet little ears and you need them you want then you love them.

what the nose gave me.

I have been up for hours. To much blow I think. Is it wrong that at the age of 23 I still find it cool to put things in my nose? Right now I'll lay in my bed, with my big red pillows and think about you. both of you. How is it that the two men in my life have left me.

You walked into my life and walked out.

I was 17 teen and in love with you.

Stop.

I was 16 teen and had come home to smell burt paper. It wasn't me for the first time. It was my mother. I lost her that day. I looked into her face and I didn't know her. Fucking brain slugs!!! Lavender blue dilly dilly lavender green dilly dilly if I were king i'd need a queen.

I did LSD at 21, with my 22 year old brother. My left side went numb. My face was monsters... I saw a side of my self that I think that I have grown to understand.

When you pull down that wall and let people you don't like fuck you, you start to lose all love for your self.

I'm a bad person fact.
I have no love fact.
You can do better then me fact.
I was 12 playing with black widows fact.

what a rush

i need to sleep. lay down my little head. i need to go to bed. Sleep.
I don't know why I seem to be loving you all over again, I miss you and want you to hold me. Its been so long. Come back. Take me back. You don't have to love me or fuck me. hell i'll give it a go i'll fuck you. What ever you want me to do.
Just hold me. take my hand under the table do no one will see you holding my hand. Be sweet to me again.
I want to drink gen and tonic and eat so much tomato pie that I want to die! kill me with yoour bad jokes and I swear that I will never smell bad again. ever. Any thing you want just lay down with me. You dont even have to touch me ley next to me.

my lover I don't even like

Three months after my frist boyfriend let me go I had sex with a man who loved my body. Be kissed my thighs and legs. My belly and chest. every were his hands could go they did. and I let him. I let him worship me and love me and make me feel like for once I was wonderful.
I know that's not the way things are and I know that I will never see him again. I gave him the wrong phone number. I can't help but wish that frank will take me back. I want him to love me. I hate the rob can stay in that house.
I hate that I didn't want to tell frank that i loved him I didn't want to call him my boyfriend. He told me he loved me. he called me his boyfriend and he told me he wanted to end things. I hate that I feel in love with him. I miss him.